You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Randomize
