My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
