i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
