Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
