After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
