I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
