Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
