Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Semen is not good for contacts.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Randomize