Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
