CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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