best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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