I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
