Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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