I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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