Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
wanna go halves on a baby?
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
