So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Randomize
