Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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