this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Randomize
