Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
