She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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