I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
