the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
