we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
