Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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