im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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