My girlfriend figured out who you are.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
