If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
