how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
