I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
