i think i have two assholes
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
