guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize