Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize