so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
