This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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