fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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