I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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