Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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