dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
