I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
