I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
