some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
