Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
