can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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