I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
