You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
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