My hand turned me down
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
