The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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