he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
My life is pants optional.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize