one two three fourrrrnication!
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Randomize
