i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
If I die, sorry about rent.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
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