Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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