I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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