Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Mom said you looked used
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize