Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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