u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
