No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
