my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize