i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
