Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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