made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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