I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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