he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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