From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
